Artificial Heart
by Krim - The Tastic One
Summary: Kikyou one-shot. The dead miko sees Inuyasha with Kagome and reflects on her existance. Rated for sadness and depression.


**And so it is  
Just like you said it would be  
Life goes easy on me  
Most of the time  
And so it is  
The shorter story  
No love, no glory  
No hero in his sky**

She felt...wasted. That was really the only word for it. Once a 'lovely' human priestess, reduced to _this_; a cheap-feeling sculpture of bones and dirt and the souls of others. Nice to look at, almost /real/, but all at the same time, so utterly fake and ugly. Her skin had no life left in it, but how was it supposed to have life, when it wasn't alive? When it was a pitiful ogress's attempt at a powerful servant? The outside might look whole, but her insides were cracking, like cheap pottery. Her heart was breaking...or it _would_ be breaking if it was real. This heart was nothing but a mass of clay, cracking a little each more every day, threatening to crumble entirely but somehow - _somehow_ - managing to stay together _just_ enough to still feel pain...

**I can't take my eyes off of you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off of you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes...**

She didn't know why she still watched him, why she was still infatuated with the hanyou boy who had cost her her very life. It was an ironic obsession; she had died hating him, wouldn't pass on until he came with her to hell. Right? Wasn't that what she wanted? To take him to hell? Yes, that was why....why she still watched him. Waiting until the right moment...until she could....

The once-miko could only look at her hands whenever she thought about it. Could she kill him with these hands? Did she _want_ to kill him with these hands? No...no, of course not. It was an excuse, almost. To stick around, to watch him. Like the pathetic undead she was. She might as well have been a ghost, with how unbelievably _gone_ she truly was. There was no more of _her_ left but a hanging romance and the boy that should not have outlived her...

**And so it is  
Just like you said it should be  
We'll both forget the breeze  
Most of the time  
And so it is  
The colder water**

Along with the horrible obsession came the _hate_, the _loathing_ of that girl. That younger miko who kept coming back, again and again. Even after she'd pushed the girl back into her own time, even after she told the girl that _she_ was the source of the hanyou's pain. He'd even fought to bring her back. Fools, all of them...yes, they were all fools. She didn't know to leave well enough alone, no matter how many times the elder miko spelled it out. He didn't know what was best...she wasn't best. She was a cheap imitation of the past, a pass-off who didn't belong...

Heh. Like she was one to speak of imitations. What was she, but a doll come to life, feeding on others? No, they were neither better than the other. Equally fake in their horrid likenesses. The only difference was...the only difference was that....

That _other_ girl was with him, at the hanyou's side. Instead of her. The younger was melting his heart of ice instead of her, softening him, making him smile, making him laugh. That was _her_ job. _She_ should have melted that heart, _she_ should be making him softer, _she_ should have been making him laugh and smile. Her artificial heart ached when she watched them together, content, even happy. He was so protective of the little girl from another time, so infatuated that he probably didn't think of her anymore. No one thought about Kikyou anymore, except in reverance. With that 'perfect miko' image burned into their memories. And yet...her own humanity had betrayed her.

**I can't take my eyes off of you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off of you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes...**

She should hate him. She had every right to. If he hadn't been so ignorantly persistant...if he had just left well enough alone...

Love was such a confusing emotion, truly. It ripped your heart out and caused it to beat faster at the same time, poisoning you like a drug, will delusions of happiness and granduer while it broke down the rest of your mind. Causing you to want what you shouldn't, do what your better thinking advised strongly against. Causing you to trust the untrustworthy, adore the unadorable. Give chances to those who had used up all three strikes. To love was to be human. But she wasn't supposed to be like other humans. She had been meant to live for others, and not for herself. The one, single time she had ever done anything for herself besides brush her hair, and she was betrayed, stepped on, robbed, burned, and brokenhearted.

**Did I say that I loathe you?  
Did I say that I want to  
Leave it all behind?**

How did a heart break, exactly? Did it die slowly, withering up like a rotted tomato? Or maybe it flaked off, bit by bit, until there was nothing left. Or perhaps it just shattered, splintering and embedding itself on your insides so it ached for forever. And how did you mend it? Did you put some salve on it, let it heal up in time? Or wrap bandages around it and hold it together with that? Or maybe even fit it together, like a puzzle?

Either way...in the end, it was still cracked and flawed. Just like her. So perfect, but flawed in her perfection. Flawed _because_ she was perfect. Nothing was perfect. Anything perfect was so wrong it couldn't be called perfect.

Did the girl who called herself Kagome truly love Inuyasha? It was hard to tell. It could be teenage lust, and not love. Kikyou couldn't stand for someone to be that way, to show affection but have it be, however unknowingly, hollow toward the hanyou. But what if it _was_ true love? That couldn't happen either. Because no one could love Inuyasha but her. That was the obsession. No one could touch him, no one would make him smile or laugh. No one but her. She couldn't let him love the younger miko either. He wasn't allowed to long anyone but her...no. That's not how it was supposed to be. They had been so _ready_ to live together, as normal humans. There wasn't supposed to be sabotage...he only felt the way he did, she only felt the way she did, because Kikyou was out of the way. Because Kikyou had died in the betrayal and Inuyasha hadn't. But she truly couldn't stand it if the miko were to leave Inuyasha behind for good. It would cause him pain, and she hated that. If the girl stayed, she would make him happy. She hated that too. It was a mix of love and loathing that made existing so utterly horrid....

**I can't take my mind off of you  
I can't take my mind off you  
I can't take my mind off of you  
I can't take my mind off you  
I can't take my mind off you  
I can't take my mind...  
My mind...my mind...**

Chocolate optics watched seemingly emotionlessly as the five sat around their own little campfire, eating _her_ food and laughing at _her_ stories. They didn't know the undead miko was there; she stood downwind, like a wolf watching its prey. Half hidden behind a thick tree, her slim frame cast in shadow. Even back here, she could faintly hear their laughter, the flicker of their fire casting black shadows to dance across her face, dancing in the cloudless night. A single, slender hand pressed against the bark, a slight breeze causing her loose-fitting hakama and long ebony hair to flow slowly in the wind. She watched as the breeze caused his long white-silver hair to fly up gracefully, inu ears twitching ever so slightly, as his eyebrows cocked for whatever reason.

She couldn't cry. This clay body wouldn't produce tears. All the same, her eyes were sad, blank face holding a thin sheild, like rice paper, over a broken expression. He was happy...she wasn't. But she would never stop watching him. Even as her dirty heart cracked and bled sluggish mud, wouldn't stop watching him. She couldn't. Her own pain wouldn't let her walk away. Her own _loathing_ wouldn't let her look away.

Seconds seemed like minutes as she watched, motionless except for the wind as they enjoyed their food and stories, laughter and amusement while she wathced soundlessly, slowly wasting away in her own surreality....

And as Kikyou saw Inuyasha turn to Kagome and smile, a shard of clay flaked off her artificial heart....


End file.
